All Roads Lead To Labour Re-election

OPINION: 

23 September, 2017: Election night. Wow! I got elected, I'm now a Labour list MP. Thank God for Jacindamania. Doesn't look like we'll make government though. We were going so well until our lack of tax policy came under the microscope. Will be fun being in opposition though.

7 October, 2017: OMG! We've picked up a couple of seats on specials and talks with Winston are going swimmingly. But Nats will be bargaining hard. As I said to Chloe Swarbrick, we all know what happened in 1996. She was 2 in 1996.

9 October, 2017: WTF! Winston went with us and the Greens. We are the government and JA is prime minister. Even JA didn't know which way Winston would go. I am determined to work hard. Housing, inequality and decent transport options, NOT just gas-guzzling cars and roads. That's what Labour stands for.

20 September, 2018: Tax Working Group hard at it. Interim report looking good. Cullen gets things done. New Zealanders realising that we're doing things the sensible way by consulting. I reckon our capital gains tax (CGT) will work very well.

1 December, 2018: Bought an electric bike and loving it! Went to a couple of events with Julie Anne Genter (JAG) and had a great time. Finding Greens good to work with and NZ First is okay, too. I can tell this government is going to be truly transformational.

17 April, 2019:  Bugger! CGT off table. Winston unhappy and JA says CGT will never happen under her watch. Egg on our faces big time. Cancel meeting with Young Labour. Didn't realise "widespread consultation" meant asking Winston and him saying no. Democracy can be so undemocratic. KiwiBuild turning into joke. Looking at jobs on SEEK just as precaution.

3 May, 2019 Welfare expert advisory group releases report. These 42 recommendations are wonderful. I tell caucus that if they are all implemented, we are looking at a massive change in New Zealand society. It will be 1935 all over again with quantum leap in fight against inequality and child poverty.

4 May, 2019:  Brilliant news! Carmel Sepuloni will implement two of the 42 recommendations of welfare group. Greens sniffy at slow progress. These from people who walk and cycle everywhere. I tell them that if Kiwis keep voting for us, all 42 recommendations will be fully implemented by 2080. Chloe not impressed. She'll be 86.

29 September, 2019: Go on climate change march and it's brilliant. JA's "climate change is the nuclear moment of our generation" is really striking chord with rangatahi. Arrive on electric bike with JAG and we have great chat. She's a bit sniffy about my colleagues though. Tells me to tell Paul Eagle and Greg O'Connor to stop putting pie wrappers in waste-bins marked biodegradable.

9 October, 2019: Two years in power and we've done so much. We've been transformational, we've been generational, we've been amazing. We're cool, we're empathetic, we're in touch. OK, not much policy but the vibe is incredible.

1 December, 2019: I'm loving the electric bike and I've joined walking group. Also catching bus – when I'm not in Wellington. Got train to Auckland to combat climate change. A fascinating 11 hours to go distance that takes three-and-a-half hours by train in France. Watch out – pedestrians, cyclists and public transport users are going to get wonderful surprise when our infrastructure plans come out.

29 January, 2020: Infrastructure package released. So cool. There's money for roads, trains, roads, buses, roads, schools, roads, pedestrians and even some left over for roads. I suggested in caucus that we call them Roads of Labour Significance as election slogan but got shouted down. Maybe we could start Roads Scholarships for promising engineers to learn overseas how to design bigger flyovers? Nats peeved and say we've stolen their ideas. My "finders keepers losers weepers" press interview with suburban paper goes down well.

30 January, 2020: Flat tyre on e-bike but meany Greenies refuse to help me fix it unless I vote against roads legislation. Put e-bike into storage. Have bought a nice ute like Kieran McAnulty's gas-guzzling Hilux for getting around the city. Already getting thumbs-up from tradies and farmers who I know used to vote National. Who'd have thought that Grant Robertson would successfully nab the boy-racer vote?

3 February, 2020: Great stuff. Simon won't work with Winston so we can look forward to three more years of coalition. Delighted to see more Kāpiti roads on agenda. Residents can whizz into Wellington then spend extra minutes at Terrace Tunnel bottleneck thinking about how great it was that they voted Labour. If unthinkable happens and Nats win it will be terrible. Tax cuts, no help for welfare beneficiaries and a government that spends more on roads than other forms of transport.

4 February, 2020: Focus groups are reporting excellent reaction to infrastructure policy, especially from people with cars. Clever advertising bods have come up with best Labour election slogan ever. "VROOOOOOOM into the future with Labour!"

The Dominion Post/Stuff